Moments of Reflection
by Embrathiel
Summary: Companion to "Reflections that Drive Us," though can be taken separately. Hermione resorts to writing to sort out the difficulties she has come upon in realizing she does not love Ron whom she has just married. Harmony all the way and no bashing. There is a full summary inside that explains it much better than this.
1. Introduction and Preface

Moments of Reflection

By

Embrathiel

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

A/N: My introduction is followed by Hermione's preface.

**MOR**

Author's Introduction:

Hello and welcome to Moments of Reflection. This is the companion story to my other work, "Reflections that Drive Us," which you can find on my author page. That story is a journal written by Hermione after her wedding to Ron, and it addresses her recognition that she made an error in judgement. In such a medium however I am unable to share some moments I would otherwise love to write out, and so I began this. Hermione has taken up writing to properly reflect on her life, and so has done so with certain times of import that strike her. This story is absolutely not necessary to those reading Reflections, nor is that required for this one. They can each be taken separately, though this will ultimately not explain the connections between scenes.

As such this story will be written in first person from Hermione's perspective and ultimately it is a Harmony story since in her mind she knows she loves Harry. As to what happens in the story however, we have yet to see since it isn't up to me now is it? Hermione gets to make her own decisions.

Going forward, this story is DH compliant, but not epilogue compliant.

This will not be a consistently updated story due to its nature, but each new chapter will be mentioned in Reflections.

I do hope you enjoy this story and wish you happy reading.

Elise

**MOR**

Moments of Reflection

By

Hermione Granger

Preface

There is joy in the pursuit of one's passions; a joy that reverberates and calls, a joy that supersedes all other emotions save perhaps love. Though I must say that there is one emotion greater. It is fair to know a passion and to follow it as one does. It is nothing however, compared to the resonant joy that echoes inside one's soul when a previously hidden joy is discovered.

I have loved to read since my very first memories, and that has never faded or been questioned. It is why my young cousins Sarah and Martin, refer to me as Auntie Read. It is such a simple nickname, likely due to the fact that my actual name is difficult for young tongues to master, and yet one that makes me smile with every repetition. It is the acknowledgement of my greatest passion, my favorite action.

But this, this is new, this is young and free.

Writing.

To take the art I love to wrap about myself in knowledge and comfort, and be able to create it for myself? Well that is a true revelation. I may not be a poet, I may not be skilled with pros, and I may in fact be the most inept at the skill out of anyone I know; however it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I have found a new passion, one i love and cherish even as youthful as it is.

I have taken up the task of healing myself through reflection on my life such as it is, through the use of writing. So as shall follow I will express flashes and moments through my view as best I may, both to preserve my current perspective for my later viewing, but also so i may better decipher my own thoughts and feelings. This is important for I need to allow myself this expression, this freedom.

I have so little of it as it is, with my recent marriage to Ronald and the subsequent recognition that I married the wrong friend like a love-sick teenager. Well, that is what I was, and perhaps what I still am. Regardless, I shall do my best to be honest and true. Writing the journal has helped in so many ways that I just know that this method is also going to make a difference. It has to.

This is not an autobiography. In fact it is far from that. This is instead a collection of fragments, pieces of my life put together in no particular order. So, armed with this new and fascinating passion of mine, I delve forward in to my past to see what angels and demons I can dredge up from the bottom of the lake.


	2. Birthday

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**MOR**

Sunday, 19th September, 1999

My 20th birthday. Wow, I'm honestly not sure how to feel about it. In some ways it is such a landmark, but in others I feel I have long surpassed it; or the need for it at least. The war has made me feel so old, and my work with Kingsly to rebuild the Ministry has made me so responsible for someone who doesn't even have her NEWTS. I think I was just missing my parents so much and wanting so badly to be loved that I just let those slip away. But now isn't the time for that.

I'm just so glad I have all these friends with me. Harry, Ronald, Neville and Ginny planned a nice evening out today and I was quite surprised to find that it wasn't in the magical world. We all got dressed up nicely and went out for dinner. The jerks blindfolded me though and wouldn't show me where we were going or tell me anything. I kept guessing but they said it was Harry's idea and that he was the mastermind.

God I hope I hate this dinner.

The last thing I need is another reason to fall more in love with that man. Ronald for your sake I dearly hope this is awful.

I walked arm in arm with Ronald as Harry led the way in to a building, the sound of birds and frogs fading to quiet conversation and piano music. We were greeted and then directed through the carpeted halls to a quiet room. It seemed smaller and all I could hear was a fire crackling somewhere ahead of us. Ronald directed me to a couch closer to the hearth and took off my blindfold. The room smelled like fresh flowers and woodsmoke, the small fire lighting my friends from behind as they stood in front of me. I'm not exactly new to birthday surprises, but this seems a bit much for some reason.

I looked around at the room; vaguely familiar with nice furniture and a long table near to one wall with a serving counter beside it.

"Harry whe," I started.

He held up a hand. "First, we've all been practicing and plan to be on our best behavior."

"Wha," The room was familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Second, your parents were targeted by a terrorist and went in to Witness Protection. You weren't a target, but your actions in a few violent events got you a job in the government along with myself. Neville is a professor of biology and these two play football. And before you ask, yes they do know what it is, we've been practicing."

I was starting to sweat, my pulse racing and i had heard him just spout out so much that I couldn't put together a coherent thought. I just stared at him.

"Ron spoke up. "That's the look I gave him when he first suggested it. He's insane, but we'll keep him around I suppose, eh Gin?"

Could it be? Harry couldn't have found my parents. And if he had, then he wouldn't have mentioned them and wouldn't be pretending to be muggles. What was going on? I heard the door open behind me and was about to turn and look when Harry snapped his fingers.

"Ah ah ah, not yet. We took the blindfold off so you wouldn't figure it out right away, but that doesn't mean you can cheat. Now, why don't you stand up and take a step towards me." I did so, to busy stressing to glare at him. I heard footsteps coming closer and thought I could see movement out of the corner of my eyes. My heart wanted to break out of my chest and I know my hands were sweaty.

"It is finally very important for you to know that since we can't call you it, we had to find the ones that get to call you…"

"Auntie Read!"

At the same instant, two voices screamed that name, cutting off Harry, and a child slammed in to me from either side. No one calls me that name but…

I looked down at the faces looking up at me as I tried to keep my balance, my arms wrapping around the children by instinct.

"Martin, Sarah?" I started crying immediately. It had been so long since I'd seen them I didn't know what to say. I gripped them tight and squeezed them as close as I could and lost most of my vision as tears started flowing.

"Of course its us Auntie Read. We missed you soooo much!" Said Sarah.

Martin poked her in the shoulder. "I missed you more though, Sarah's just confused."

"Nah ah, I'm the one who kept her books in order."

The laughter and tears mixed and I sank back to the couch, bringing them with me. The two slid on to the seats and cuddled close, asking question after question.

Auntie Read. They'd called me that since they could understand what books were. Their mum, Tracy is my aunt and though we are technically cousins, they call me their aunt. It made sense now, as I tried to answer their questions through the mixture of emotions, why this room was familiar. Their father Steven owns a country club and we had come here several times for family gatherings.

With my parents lost in Australia, they're all I have left.

"God look at you," I interrupted, "You've grown so much. Now you're almost teenagers."

"I am almost, but Sarah's got a few years still. I'm the older and smarter one."

Sarah blew a raspberry at him in response. I looked up as I heard talking and saw Tracy and Steven greeting my friends.

"I'll be right back alright? I promise, we'll have dinner together okay?"

"Yaaay!"

I made myself stand up and walk forward. It had been years since I'd seen them all. Ever since things at school started getting more complicated and harder to explain away, my parents stopped trying so hard with others who might ask more difficult questions. They are amazing people and I have no idea how Harry did this.

Aunt tracy came forward with a tearful hug to match my own. "Oh its so good to see you dear. I'm so sorry about everything you've gone through. We are always here for you alright?"

"Thank you. I've missed you all so much. The kids look wonderful."

"I won't interrogate you now, that's for the dinner table. Happy birthday Hermione." Then her eyes fell to the kids on the couch. "Did you two wish Hermione a happy birthday or did you just jump on her?"

They managed to look sheepish. "Um, happy birthday auntie, sorry, we were so excited to see you."

I smiled at them, it was hard not to. "Thank you both and its alright."

Steven was next, then the food arrived and we all made our way to the table. Martin and Sarah sat to either side of me and their parents across from us. Everyone was talking pleasantly like they'd known each other for years. They really had all been practicing their stories. Even Ronald was more coordinated with his verbiage and didn't slip up when talking about his childhood or school.

It was perfect, so perfect.

Tracy and Steven toasted Ronald's and my marriage and then everyone took turns saying overly kind things about me while I sat there stupidly blushing. They can't love me that much can they?

The kids love Harry. It doesn't help that they've decided he is the hero I used to tell them stories about. The green-eyed hero who made us all feel safe even when he was too terrified to feel it himself. To them those stories are just that, but I know better. And it seems that in a way they do too, if their attitude and instant adoration towards him is anything to judge by. Ginny and my uncle were getting along famously and Tracy seemed to be trying to talk to Ronald and Neville equally. As I watched though, she found it easier to converse with Neville who was both quiet and peaceful. He exudes a new presence now, one of calm and surety. He's grown so much since that chubby boy who stood up to me in first year.

Harry stood up part way through the main course and said, "Could anyone direct me to the gent's?"

I needed to thank him and speak to him alone so I stood up myself. "I'll show you. I need to step out myself and they're right near one another."

No one gave it a second look which is exactly what I wanted. Time.

We left the room and moved through the corridors in silence until we reached the side hall where the toilets and washrooms were. Of course, Harry was waiting for me when I stepped out but I stopped him with a hand on his arm when he turned to head back.

"Harry." Those thrice-damned eyes. "How did you do this?"

He just gave that grin of his. "That's what friends do isn't it?"

I think that's when i knew for sure that he and I are in exactly the same stupid position. I'm in love with him but married the wrong friend and he's never had a good enough example of love to recognize it when its bashing him in the skull.

I shook my head. "No Harry, I don't think you know how much this means to me."

I realized after saying it that it was likely the most cruel thing I could say. I opened my mouth to take it back but he raised his other hand.

"No, its alright, in a way you're right so don't feel bad, I know you didn't mean it like that." Daily lunches at work have clearly helped even him understand me. God we are so screwed.

"It was still wrong. I'm sorry."

"Hermione, at this point if we had to apologize to one another for every stupid thing we've said, we'd be spending half our time doing just that. I know you didn't mean it. But I do understand. Martin and Sarah love you and so do Tracy and Steven. But it was worth every minute of planning to see you this happy. I know its not Australia, and i look forward to when we finally get there and find your mum and dad, but until then, I'm glad I could give you this."

My heart shattered and I broke down again. Thankfully the hall was empty which meant I was only sobbing like a wretch in front of him. The cruel man hugged me even as I covered my face with my hands and tried not to scream cry.

"Sorry, did I say something stupid again?"

"How, how can you just know?"

"About?"

"How can, you just know, you'll be there?"

And it was that question that I couldn't hear the answer to. It was that question that I knew was either going to make or break my marriage with Ronald. Oh it had nothing to do with Ronald's kindness or love, but everything to do with where my love is reciprocated. I'd traveled to Australia right away but lost the trail of my parents. I can only hope that they are alive and well, just that they moved off somewhere. Luna says they are well, so I have been clinging to that frail hope. But no one has shared my concern or urgency to go find them. With the work overload at the Ministry, I haven't had the time, but no one around me has shown a care.

Except the man holding me while I cried like a baby in his arms.

"Hermione, they're your parents. What kind of an ass would I be if I didn't think you should find them right away? Bloody hell, if I could convince you to take my money to help I'd throw it at you. How can i know I'll be there with you when you find them? Well i'd think we all will be, but I know I will because you've always been there for me. There is no way I'm going to fail you in that. I'm here for you as much as you are and have been for me. We'll all go soon and find them, and they'll be safe and happy. I just couldn't keep seeing you so…"

He broke off and that hammering heart in my chest bent just a little as it froze.

"Say it, please."

"Alone."

My body twisted trying to follow the motions of my screaming heart and I curled my arms tight in front of my chest, trying to hold in the agony. I couldn't see through the tears and I couldn't even hear through the pounding blood in my head. But i felt him holding me and I knew I was, not alone.

How we can hate those we love so intensely as this.

When the pain burning through me became more dull and I could once again consciously take in air, I returned his embrace.

"You are, a truly amazing person Harry Potter. I, I can't even thank you fairly."

"Just, just, talk to me when you need to, alright?" His words were quiet and barely spoken, halting, as if he wasn't sure if he should even speak them aloud.

"I will."

I had to return to the washroom to clean up my makeup after such a mess of tears and I knew it would seem strange how long we'd been gone, but part of me didn't care.

I finally had clarity, I finally had an answer.

There would be no sleep to be had upon returning home with such thoughts in my mind.

As it would happen, we blamed lady problems and my desire to interrogate him on how he found the Jacobs family on our lateness; something that lulled everyone in to security. Yes, I am the kind to interrogate and no one would put it past me.

Oh how it would have been so much easier if Harry had planned an awful birthday.


	3. Tides

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**MOR**

Tuesday, 28th September, 1999

I had hoped to avoid writing moments such as these; moments that hurt with young agony rather than the scarred friendship of old pains. I had planned to write of past hurts, of moments of triumph, of love and sacred peace. It would seem however that this too, as my journal has become, is to be a receptacle for both good and ill. I feel that this is a snapshot of both, a span of pain coloured with shades of love and friendship that I can sense with my heart alone. Therefore I will not shame myself for writing of this conversation, nor shall I revel in the necessity of it for the ultimate end.

Harry sat down in my office chair looking distinctly uncomfortable and shifty. He'd been the one to ask if we could chat after work was finished so I was rather put off by his lack of comfort. He'd been in my office loads of times. The night before I had asked him and Ronald if they would be interested in joining me in completing our seventh year of school through correspondence and weekly visits to Hogwarts. I know he and Ronald talked after we all had supper together, so hopefully this isn't a result of that.

Harry sipped from the tea I'd made sure was ready for him and looked around the room as if there was anything new to see. I keep my office rather austere except for the books of course.

I tried not to smile at his behavior but I couldn't help it. "You aren't in trouble or anything Mr. Potter, I hardly think you would have come here voluntarily if you were."

Harry grimaced and gestured at me. "It doesn't help when you sit there like Professor McGonagall used to looking like I must've done something wrong. Old habits you know."

I made an effort to relax in my seat. It wasn't easy considering.

"What is it Harry?"

I know I barely spoke the words at a normal volume, but his head drooped like I had told him to report all his darkest secrets or something. He really wasn't helping me with my concern over his visit.

When he finally spoke, Harry didn't even look at me. "Ron's… Well,… Ron's been doing better, hasn't he? Like with work?"

I put down my own tea because the cup had started shaking.

"Uh, yes, I mean, I've been rather proud of him lately. I think he really likes working at W.W.W. And he's been practicing really hard for Quidditch."

"Good, that's good. I thought so too."

He turned the cup in his hands, over and over. I allowed myself to watch the rhythmic gesture, both of us letting it distract from what we really knew was of import.

"He loves you Hermione. I'm sure he does."

"I know."

More turning.

"I hexed him last night."

I kept watching the cup. It was easier than meeting his eyes.

"You haven't done that before."

"Because he wasn't hurting you. The last time I had a real chance I was trying to keep you from doing it yourself."

"Should I be?"

"To be honest, I'm not really sure. Don't take this the wrong way but I'm not really sure if I should even be telling you. Not because I would want to hide it, but I don't want to get in the middle of something. But, you're my friend too and I don't let people hurt you."

"If its anyone's business outside of the relationship, it is yours Harry. But I don't expect you to tell me anything. I don't want to put you in that place either, intentionally or not." And that was true. It was basically the reason for the entire problem in fact. Telling Harry about how I'd realized my mistake in marrying Ronald, and telling Harry just how I feel about him would put the poor thing in an awful spot.

"I know. But sometimes you have to do the wrong thing to help a friend. You've always been there for me Hermione. You deserve to know."

He drank from his tea before returning to the inexorable revolution of the cup.

"And what is it you need to tell me? Whatever it is I promise I won't hex you."

"I don't think he really meant it the way he said it, but well, it is Ron. I just, it made me so angry."

"Please, what is it?"

"He, well, said that he was kind of irritated that you'd expect him to go back to school and all."

"I never expected him at all."

He held up a hand. "I know, I was there. But Ron sees things differently than we do sometimes."

I sighed. "Go on."

"Hermione, this is hard for me."

"I know. Take your time. Sorry for pushing."

"No, I mean, I know its hard for you too. I don't, I don't know how to do these things. I'm no good at it."

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"You're great, don't worry about it. I'm here to listen. This won't hurt our friendship either way i promise."

His shoulder slumped and Harry raised a hand to rub his temple.

"He loves you, but I think he has some confused ideas about how this stuff is supposed to work. I'm not much better, my childhood was a bit off the wall itself, but this is different I think. Something just felt wrong about it. I mean, people do things for weird reasons you know?"

"I know."

"Yeah and i think that maybe Ron has a few weird ones himself. You're great with school, and it wasn't a question of if but when you would finish it. We all knew it. Honestly I'm surprised it took you until now to write McGonagall. Anyway, we all expected it, you know?"

"I do."

My tea tasted cold, the warming charm on the cup was still active, but it just seemed that the warmth had gone out of it. I'm no saint, i know i haven't been an angel and I know my emotions have been a mess lately with everything going through my head. Perhaps I was just about to learn of Ronald's issues before he learned of mine.

"Well i think that Ron kind of, thought it was alright for him to not finish school because he knew you were going to."

A flicker of anger. "Do you remember his wording?"

"I don't really want to say them Hermione."

"Please?"

I shouldn't have, but I looked him in the eye. I'm not proud of it, but i did it. As he always does when we make eye contact, he gave in and sagged a little more if it was possible.

"Alright, I get it. Just, I'm sorry alright? He said, I mean she's great and all, but one of the reasons I married her was so I wouldn't have to really do the work. You know how she is, she makes it so you don't even have to try."

My anger died. In a way, all my emotions died, my blood running cold and all muscles limply freezing. I lost myself staring at the door, in to the nothingness I was beginning to feel throughout every part of me. Ronald was right, and it stabbed at perhaps my greatest insecurity. I helped my friends through school because I knew I wasn't a good friend, but I was smart. If doing their homework for them was what it took to keep them around, then I did it. And God did it hurt to have it thrown back at me like that.

It was perhaps the one thing that could shatter my belief in our friendship. Had they stayed with me for my brains, for the work I did for them? Was it all as fake as the cruel thoughts in my brain had taunted me it was? Was i really just a bossy girl who had no friends?

In that moment, I wanted the world to fade, i wanted it to leave me be, because the pain it held was far beyond anything I was willing to tolerate.

Sensation brought me back to life. I felt a hand on mine and heard vague words spoken earnestly. I blinked and found Harry staring at me from across the table. He was squeezing one of my hands in his, and he was crying.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm sorry Hermione. I'm sorry because I know how much it hurts you, i can see it. I'm sorry because I'm just as guilty as Ron is of doing it. I'm sorry because we used you and your brains like stupid teenage boys who didn't want to do our homework. Of all people you don't deserve that. I'm as much to blame as he is, and I'm sorry. But that doesn't in any way affect how much I care about you. You're still amazing and I'm sorry for how I've treated you in the past."

He took his hand back to swipe at his eyes.

"You don't have to say…"

"Yes I do Hermione. You know why i hexed him? It was because he hurt you, because he said that about you. But it was also because what he said reminded me of what I did to you. I was a berk, he was a berk. I'm sorry i haven't apologized until now."

My hand lay on the table, alone and empty. I sorely wanted his hand back but knew I shouldn't allow myself that comfort. This conversation was delicate enough as it was. Ronald couldn't have meant it exactly like that, he couldn't have. It must have been because of his upbringing.

God it hurts to be the one not loved by the one you married. Penance perhaps for my feelings for Harry?

"I'm…"

"Oh shut up and stop apologizing."

I stood up and moved to the false window that was providing a view of the London street above. Sunset was fast pressing down on the city, elongating shadows as if weighted down by the pressure of a thousand suns.

"You know its different for you."

Damn, i really really shouldn't have said that. I'm getting dangerously close to saying things I shouldn't.

I didn't hear anything from him so I kept talking, letting the ramble fill in the panic gaps in my steam of consciousness.

"Its always different for you Harry. As you said on my birthday, we don't need to apologize to one another anymore. So stop trying. There is a difference, aside from the ones inside me. Its how the two of you handle things. You've both thanked me at different times for my help and I am glad for it as it was well deserved. But the difference here is in how I am viewed and treated. I'm still trying to think of reasons that explain why he would think that way without making myself angry at him, but aside from that, there is plenty. He married me with that in mind. He never let it go, he never grew up from that. And he admitted as much to you. I don't think Ronald has really ever had a good chance to grow up, and that isn't entirely his fault.

"But he said as much to you, and I'm sure he said more. You wouldn't hex him over just that. And yes, i do want to hear it, but for now, the point is that you two treat it differently. What happened after you hexed him?"

"I told him to treat you better or I'd gut him. Probably not the most civil thing to say now that I think about it, but…"

"But you were a bit overcharged with adrenaline and you were angry. Still, i appreciate the thought." I'm not supposed to find it attractive to have men fight over or for me. That is such a base instinct and I hate it. So many people think it is stupid and overly masculine. Well I know where it comes from, it makes sense biologically; something most people totally ignore about our actions. But I don't want that, I don't want people to fight over me because I can stand up for myself.

But for some reason it kind of feels, pleasing. Damn i hate biological responses sometimes.

"Yeah. Then I left. Sorr… Damn. I shouldn't have acted like that, but Hermione I…"

"Please," I interrupted, "Please do us both a favor and don't finish that sentence right now okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I, I get it."

"Thank you Harry."

"Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"If you ever need anything alright?"

"I know."

"Is, is this what its been like? After last week, it just seems to be, kind of, related."

"I don't, I don't think I should talk about this right now, with you." Why are words so hard to control sometimes? I could so easily have cut that sentence off, but when your heart is breaking, words escape, the ones you really want to say even when you shouldn't.

"Did I…"

"No."

"Okay."

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

His chair pushed back from the table and he approached. I shook my head when I saw him reach out to hug me.

"Can I hug my friend?"

Could I argue with that?

From the depths of his arms, Harry's voice rumbled in his chest against my own. "I'm here for you, both of you. As a couple and as individual people. Alright? Whatever you, you Hermione or you and Ron, whatever you need. I am here to help you as a couple or on your own. Whatever you two need. Whatever you need me to be okay?"

I really hate him sometimes. For understanding, for caring, for learning, for being. He's really not making this any easier.

I pulled back from the hug and nodded.

"Thank you. We'll all make it through this. I really appreciate you telling me, I know it wasn't easy."

"Yeah."

"Do you want to tell me what else he said?"

"I'd rather not. Its not really, relevant."

"Okay. I believe you."

"Thanks."

"Should I talk to him or hex him?"

Harry grinned awkwardly. "Talk probably. He's not really all that bad sometimes, just stupid. He'll come around i'm sure."

"He usually does in the end."

"Yeah."

"Thank you Harry."

"Anytime. I'll talk to him again eventually but I'm not letting him off too easy for that one."

"Right."

"Um, you okay?"

"No, but, we all have to be sometimes right?"

"Yeah."

He hugged me one more time and stepped back. "I'll let you be. Let me know if you need anything alright?"

"I will. I'll see you at lunch tomorrow."

"Yeah, I'll be there."

Those work lunches with Harry had become my lifeline, a connection daily to the love of my life. The love I stupidly convinced myself wasn't there. Idiot girl. When he left my office I didn't go home. I sat for a time to think because sometimes that's all you can do. It doesn't matter who bears more of my love, the right thing to do is to try and make this marriage work with Ronald. I'll talk to him soon. Its the right thing to do.


End file.
